Monday, September 20, 2010

An essay of unrepentance

The following is an essay written by a friend, who chooses to write under the name "Angelo Hudson", as a way to vent his anger at not being allowed to eat yet another box of girl scout cookies. No lie.


Just because it is an essay, do NOT skip this read. It is very entertaining, and beautifully written.

Angelo Hudson
Being bad is an art that requires much practice. This essay is an instruction manual intended to show the answers to common blunders.
Take you, for the purpose of illustration, what we call Girl Scout Cookie Temptation. In the realm of the purely hypothetical, one predacious individual consumed a box of Girl Scout Cookies without prior permission from the rightful owner of said cookies. The ensuing tirade of ponderous topics from the rightful owner includes morals, steadfastness in the presence of Girl Scout Cookie Temptation, and other such nonsense, but the sinner remains unrepentant.
One would question why the sinner remains unrepentant, and may rightfully do so. For the sin to have been committed in the first place, the sinner would, nay, must be unrepentant from the start, as logically he would envision the ramifications of such unlawful behavior. This in itself is the spring from which we draw our conclusion that complete and total unrepentance is but to be expected.
We resume our story of Girl Scout Cookie Temptation. The sinner has as of yet remained unrepentant, but efforts are being made to the effect of repentance. Such efforts include the lynching of the television, repeal of chill time with friends, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. It is at this time that the offending purloiner is beginning to question his sobriety whilst planning the absquatulation of the cookies. Thusly, it is at this time that we must show him that this type of thinking would leave him blamed for the disappearance of the cookies. To avoid this spectacularly messy end, we will now introduce him to the Blame Game.
The Blame Game can be played many different ways, but for the purpose of efficiency, we will assume the style proven to render almost instant gratification. This is the time that one introduces the argument “If you didn’t leave the cookies in my reach in the first place, this would never have happened.” Most opponents wilt at this argument, and then everyone hugs it all out.
However, some opponents remain unmoved by this argument. At this point there is but one thing you can do…take it to the personal level. Ask your opponent if they would have just let the girl scout cookies alone, or if they just might have been tempted just a little to abscond with just one. Keep laying it on until your opponent has absconded with not one cookie but the entire box.
This technique is only to be used under extreme circumstances and is not to be thrown about. This argument will eventually lose its potency, so use it wisely!
I hope that you have gained some insight in the art of unrepentance…


  1. I love the wide vocabulary used in this essay. : )